Your spouse comes home from work looking sad and sullen. You figure he’s had a bad day. You too had a bad day, but as recent weeks have been rather tense, you wanted to surprise him with a special dinner. Then, he surprises you and says, “It’s over.”

Most break ups come out of the blue like this scenario, while others are more predictable. What is one to do now? Do you go straight to the lawyer, or do you wait awhile, hoping it’s going to blow over. After all, you had fights and time outs before. Why should this time be any different? He did refuse family counselling before. This time, it’s really over. You then ask yourself, do I go to court or do I go to mediation?

According to Dr. Meredith Gilbert, Mediator and Lawyer in Washington, mediation involves a third party, who helps couples agree on their property, parenting plan and financial support relating to their divorce. She says, “One of the most important benefits of mediation is that parties are able to maintain more control over their lives than they would if they were to allow a judge to make decisions that impact them in important ways.”

Mediation also benefits couples by reducing their legal costs because couples don’t go through a lawyer and expense litigation process. They set their own schedule.

Jane Meyer, author of an article, “He Says/She Says” in the Mercer Island Reporter, speaks to a couple in the process of divorcing. Here is what Pam Williams, a Counsellor and Therapist, recently separated, says of her experience with mediation, “We’re usual in that we have all the anger, hurt and pain that couples have when they decide to divorce. But we might be unusual in the sense that we didn’t want to go into the adversarial process…We don’t want all kinds of other people telling us how we should run our lives.” Williams goes on to explain that mediation works best when the two people can cooperate with one another. “For us, had we tried to do mediation a few months ago, it would have been a disaster. You have to be ready to put your differences aside. You have to go beyond the level of placing blame.”

Williams other half, Harry Keinath, a Real Estate Analyst, describes his experience, “We recognize that because we have children, we’ll have a lifetime relationship on some level. Mediation is an opportunity for us to negotiate face to face and resolve differences in a much more expedient and amicable way. Litigation is very costly…If people want to continue co-parenting their children, they need to have a relationship that can survive the divorce.”

Some professionals feel that when there are children involved that the parties be mindful of not burdening them with adult decisions and that it is best only to involve them at the beginning of the process to find out their wishes, and at end of the process to find out if they agree with the parenting plan. According to Dr. Gilbert, “The benefits of mediating as opposed to litigating custody conflicts include allowing the parties to consider such things as work schedules and each parent’s preferences for activities with the children.” She goes on to say that mediation encourages cooperative parenting and that couples are less likely to violate their own terms when they are in control of the process.

Dr. Gilbert also says that “…mediation considers the emotional as well as the legal issues…clients are more satisfied with the legal process itself…failure to acknowledge the existence of these emotional issues often prevents a party from getting on with a reasonable approach to the issues that must be resolved.”

In her article, “The Mediation Alternative – It Works for Some Divorces”, Jane Meyer agrees with Dr. Gilbert. “What’s key is the couple’s motivation.” says Meyer.

Irene Stark, a Certified Mediator and principal of Just Options, with more than 30 years’ experience also agrees, “Mediation…works best when participants are willing…”

She goes on to say that, “The experience of positive communication and planning can carry over into day to day communication between divorced parents…Mediation invites parents to think deeply about the needs of their children…In mediation, participants practice generating several solutions to a problem and evaluating each for effectiveness. For children, this skill is a high predictor of school and relationship success.”

Counselling also helps couples resolve their differences. Although, most people think of family counselling to help them cope, this type of counselling helps families stay together. For separating couples, though, counselling can help them with their emotions and with child issues. It just doesn’t help them with legal issues. Couples with children find this type of counselling very helpful. Anna, mother of two, has this to say about the counselling help she received, ”If it wasn't for Niagara Child and Youth Services, I never would have been able to convince my eldest daughter that my divorce wasn't her fault. Thank you so much.”

For individuals, who are past the “blame and misrepresentation” stage, mediation can be very effective and bring them closer to a resolution. Couples really only have two choices. They can mediate or they can litigate. They can decide for themselves or have a judge decide for them. They can keep their costs down or they can have their costs escalate.

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Personal Note: I hope you enjoyed this article as much as I enjoyed researching and writing it for my ADR class back in 2010 at Seneca College. My instructor, Mr. Richard Sadowski, thought highly of my article and read it to the class. I now have an opportunity to share it with you. As my article suggests, mediation, a form of alternative dispute resolution, offers many benefits for people with difficult issues to solve on their own. Whatever legal or non-legal issues you may have, a neutral third person such as a mediator can help you.

Bettina Worth, Paralegal, provides mediation and legal services to individuals and small businesses on matters before the Smalls Claims Court, Landlord and Tenant Board, Ontario Human Rights Tribunal, and other Tribunals. Bettina also provides litigation support to her legal community. In addition to being a licensed paralegal, Bettina is a certified law clerk and legal assistant, with more than 25 years’ experience in litigation. Bettina also acted as paralegal for her former business of more than 10 years and was successful in various small claims court matters and several contract and settlement negotiations. Bettina can be reached by phone at 647-340-3352 or by email at bw_paralegal@yahoo.ca. For more information about Bettina Worth, Paralegal, and her services, connect with her on Linkedin and like her on Facebook.